


Monster

by sansibei



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Gen, M/M, Major Character Injury, Mild Gore, hallucination
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-03-08 11:18:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18893557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sansibei/pseuds/sansibei
Summary: Shizuo drives Izaya to the brink of death. Izaya finishes the job.





	Monster

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the archive warnings before proceeding.

_“Haha...it has come to this, huh?”_

_Blood._

_“What’s the matter, flea? Not so feisty now?”_

_Fresh, dark red blood._

_“A monster like Shizu-chan wouldn’t be able to comprehend the pain that us normal humans feel.”_

_Everywhere._

_“Oh, so you feel pain too? Marvellous. Shall I torture you till you die? How does taking repeated blows to the head sound to you?”_

_Seeping from gaping wounds, into the ground, staining it the colour of death._

_“If that is what you are going to do, then I would rather end this myself.”_

* * *

Waking up that morning, Shizuo felt like last night was a fever dream.

That’s right. He could only remember vaguely what had happened. So it must have been a dream.

Dreaming of Izaya...it must be proof of how badly he hated the flea. Shizuo mused to himself as he turned on the TV to watch the morning news.

“- found dead last night. The body had been severely damaged by considerable amounts of blunt force, but analysis has shown the cause of death to be a fatal cut across the throat.”

Shizuo furrowed his brows. Why would anyone put murder on the morning news? He almost switched the channel when -

“The victim has been identified to be 24-year-old male, Orihara Izaya. Strangely, despite…”

The static in his ears was too much for the rest of the reporter’s voice to come through. Shizuo couldn’t think. He just stood there.

Last night wasn’t a dream.

Now he remembered. Suddenly the events of the night before presented its clear edges again, the newfound clarity in them branding their mark into Shizuo’s brain. And he wished he didn’t remember the details so clearly.

_When Izaya uttered his final words to Shizuo, he was bleeding on the ground and most of his bones had been broken._

_Then he groped for his knife with the last of his strength and slit his own throat._

* * *

The nightmare jerked Shizuo awake in a cold sweat, and it took him a few seconds to register that he wasn’t staring at a dead body, but at the ceiling of his bedroom.

The dream had been recurring, for days and days and days after Izaya’s death. He had seen some people grieve him, some being glad he was gone, and some who could not care less. And then there was him. No one offered _him_ any comfort since everyone knew Shizuo and Izaya hated each other. And he thought he should be happy. That he was finally rid of the pest that had been ruining his life ever since highschool.

Except he wasn’t happy at all. He shifted in bed and suddenly felt incredibly lonely. Deep in him, the guilt of a murderer gripped his heart.

* * *

_“Your grief path is yours alone, and no one else can walk it, and no one else can understand it.”  
-Terri Irwin_

* * *

“Ah, Shizuo! Are you here for sushi?”

Simon waved his pamphlets invitingly, trying to usher Shizuo into his restaurant. And he let him.

“Sushi is good. If you eat it, you won’t be sad anymore.”

Shizuo nodded his thanks and placed his order. As the food came and he slowly dug in, he tried to focus on the noise around him. He listened in on different conversations. He listened to the things that people were ordering. Anything that could distract his mind from Izaya, he listened.

Please, anything but Izaya.

“Ah, Shizu-chan! You don’t come here often. Is today a special occasion?”

If there was one thing the strongman couldn’t fight against, it was the temptation to turn his gaze onto the man now sitting opposite him. Once he did, he felt all speech ability leave him in a hurry. Shizuo felt like he was in a trance.

“Come on, what’s that crestfallen look for? Shouldn’t you be chasing after me with a street sign by now?” Izaya chuckled, snapping his fingers in front of Shizuo’s face. His rings caught the light and glinted. Shizuo sighed.

“You know, I’ve tried damn hard to avoid you. Must you be so persistent even in death?” Shizuo averted his gaze, and instead stared down at the sushi before him, trying to find the appetite to eat it and failing miserably. Izaya laughed. “Aww, does Shizu-chan miss me? You must be in denial, that’s why you’re trying so hard to avoid me. You do know that isn’t possible, right?” Right. This wasn’t real. His mind was messing with him. Yet Shizuo made no effort to fight against it. Strangely, he simply wanted this moment to last.

“Why did you do it?” He murmured, almost inaudibly. Izaya’s smiling eyes darkened.

“Well, if someone wanted to give you a slow and painful death, wouldn’t you rather end i̵̫̜̖͋t̷̳̬͗̀̕ q̸̂͝ͅu̶̩͇͔͗͝i̶̹͋̈́ć̴̠͖͐k̶͓̘̆l̶̨̘̳̀ỹ̷̰̦͋ ắ̵̛̦̏̄́͐n̸̰̐̾̆̌͝͝d̷̳̰̝͉͓̪̑͒͆͛̀̄̈́ c̶̦̈́̉̈̅̕͠l̵̻̘͐̔̇ĕ̷̱̝͇̎͜a̸̢̨̢̝͎̩̳͕̋̓̌n̷̛̮̞̫͈̺̺͉̘̬̮̎́͠͝l̸̜̽̈́̏͘y̵̫͈͙̦̿̎?” His voice suddenly twisted into a painful static rasp, and he sounded like he was in horrible, horrible agony.

Shizuo’s head snapped up, and there he saw Izaya, still smiling, but now coated in his own fresh blood, all of his limbs broken, gasping at him from across the table.

* * *

He doesn’t remember much after that. He doesn’t remember leaving the rest of his sushi unfinished and staggering out of the place, forgetting to pay the bill. He doesn’t remember standing numbly at his own door, not knowing how to open it, and eventually passing out outside. Then he awoke the next day with aching bones and thought he deserved it.

Funny, he thought. It had been weeks since Izaya died, yet he saw no signs of the “Five Stages of Grief” cliché in himself. No denial, anger, bargaining...nothing. Just a little shock in the beginning, then he numbly accepted the reality, no questions asked. Perhaps he wasn’t grieving then. Honestly, he had no idea how he felt. Izaya wasn’t exactly his favourite person, nor did his death invoke any happiness in Shizuo.

He took a puff of his cigarette and sighed. There weren’t many people at the park right now, and as he looked around, he thought about how no one knew about the things he was going through. Izaya’s death was tiring. He was tired of pretending like he didn’t care in front of everyone else.

The silence in his head was suffocating.

“Who says there’s no one?” came an annoyed voice from somewhere above him. Shizuo didn’t need to look up to know who it was. He stared straight ahead and exhaled a wisp of smoke. “I just can’t escape you, can I? This must be karma,” he stated calmly. Izaya giggled and spun on his heels.

“Have you come to taunt me?” Shizuo stared past the figure in front of him into the distance. His eyes settled on two children playing on the swings.

“Ah, hmm, I don’t know how to answer that. More like I’ve come to harass you, I might say. Ooh, can a dead person still harass someone in the form of a spirit?” Izaya rambled, not noticing Shizuo’s glassy stare. “You’re not a spirit, you’re a hallucination,” he stated firmly. Izaya’s voice dropped cold.

“Damn right I am. Now what, you’re going to tell me to stay away from you? You think seeing me means you’ve gone mad?” He bent down and locked Shizuo’s gaze at eye level. “Isn’t that just the most selfish thing I’ve ever heard?” His paralysing gaze was like icicles that crucified Shizuo to the bench he was sitting on.

“After all, _you murdered me._ ”

He stood up straight again, and just before his form disappeared, he uttered one last thing that turned Shizuo’s blood to ice.

“Monster.”

* * *

The nightmares kept recurring.

Shizuo kept waking up in cold sweat.

He drove Izaya to suicide.

He was a murderer.

A monster.

The absolute worst.

_“This is why I hate Shizu-chan.”_

_“If that is what you are going to do, then I would rather end this myself.”_

He couldn’t stand it. He needed some fresh air.

Shizuo climbed up from bed, put on more clothes, and went out into his balcony, into the freezing night air that reflected the temperature of his heart.

And of course the flea had to be there.

He leaned against the railing, seemingly unaware of Shizuo’s presence, staring out blankly into nothingness. Shizuo lit up a cigarette and took the space beside him.

Both of them allowed themselves to be submerged in thought for a long, long hour.

Then Shizuo spoke up.

“I might sound crazy, talking to a hallucination...but I’m going to say this anyway. Despite my terrible temper I would never wish death upon anyone. But here I am. Thinking back to the things I’ve done, I reckon you’re right. I really am a monster.”

Izaya just kept staring, now up at the night sky. A few lone stars flickered, triumphant at being able to cast their light to human eyes past all the city’s light pollution.

Shizuo looked around as much as the small balcony allowed him to. It gave a tiny window of view of Ikebukuro in the dead of night, and he thought about how little he knew of the city past its usual conflicts that happened under the sun. He wondered if Izaya had ever felt the same way, or if he really knew everything to this extent. Then he thought about how the informant would never be able to glimpse at the city, at all his beloved humans again.

He forced himself to continue. “But I guess...both of us may be equally monstrous. I don’t know. I think - I guess I don’t really hate you after all. And - I’ve accepted what I am.”

He turned his head and, with a shudder, noticed Izaya staring back at him. His ghostly figure wavered for a moment, then he chuckled. A light sound that invoked a sense of stillness in Shizuo. He guessed it was what it felt like in death.

Shizuo gazed at Izaya as he laughed to himself. Then, Izaya rubbed his eyes and gave Shizuo a look he struggled to interpret. “I’m tired,” he whispered. “Maybe we’ll meet again.” The blond said nothing, did not try to stop him when his form faded into nothingness.

That was the last time he ever saw Izaya.


End file.
